I'm Always Touched By Your Presents, Dear
And so, this is Christmas. And I’m tipping there’s some high-flyer in your social jet stream who you really wish you didn’t have to shoulder-launch a present missile at.
It’s not that you don’t like them, or anything like that.
It’s just that this particular acquaintance is either too rich, too distracted or too much of a slave to technology to truly nab as a giftee.
So, what the hell are you going to do? It’s now thirty seconds closer to 25 December than it was when you started reading this.
Well, I’m here to tell you that this is your lucky day, Buster. Or Busterette.
For you have just stumbled upon the first annual Scrivener’s Fancy Gift Guide.
The six products listed below reflect the same high standards a reader such as yourself associates with this fine website.
And, in the interests of full disclosure, each item’s manufacturer told me they would seriously consider slipping me a fifty if they notice a sudden sales spike in the next few days…
Introducing the Amazon Fondle™
Erotica on the run has never been so much fun. Experience instant auto-delivery of whatever scratches that itch. It’s all there in the palm of one of your hands. Latest test results show that the Fondle’s high-resolution LCD screen reproduces flesh tones in direct sunlight 3.5 times more accurately than our nearest competitor, the Barnes & Noble Bonk. A unique sensor system monitors a user’s breathing patterns to prolong battery life. Available in Hardcore, Softcore and Kinky.
SBS World News: The Complete Collection
For the very first time on DVD: every episode of Australian television’s most respectfully neglected (and alarmingly over-lit) news service. Come on, now. You’ve barely ever watched it. But it always makes you feel better knowing it’s there. Well, now’s the time to finally catch up on everything you’ve missed, with this easy-to-forklift 880-disc box set. Sadly, there are no commentary tracks. But Anton Enus has kindly allowed his home phone number to be displayed on all menus, and is more than happy to talk you through the episode of your choice*. Buy before 31 December, and watch select bulletins in 3-D with your special-edition Lee Lin Chin replica spex.
* excluding weekends, public holidays, or that ill-fated run of shows where George Donikian read the news sans moustache.
The Pupa
Last winter, the Snuggie made it cool to lose the will to dress yourself to conventional socio-cultural standards. If you do intend to bake yourself into a couch potato during the big chill of 2010, the range of choices can be overwhelming. What do you go with? The Slanket? The Blankoat? Or the new Japanese sensation, Lazyman Absolute Pile of Sheet? Forget the pretenders and remember the real thing: the Pupa. Modelled on the organic casing that forms around a larval insect before complete metamorphosis, the Pupa is the ultimate head-to-toe personal warming system. Our trained technicians will come to your home towards the end of autumn, tailor a hooded hessian jumpsuit lined with roofing insulation, weld the zips shut, and then place you in a comfortable sitting position facing your television. Don’t worry, they’ll be back to bust you out in spring. Oh, and are you concerned about that tricky torlet issue? We’ve got you covered. For a small additional charge, you can be fitted with the one-size-fits-all Pupa Scooper.
The Road Rager GPS
It is a jungle out there. And we know you’re sick and tired of playing Jane to the Tarzans tearing up the streets and down the freeways of this wide brown land. Now you can grab the vine, beat your chest and yodel to kingdom come. Without the need for any unpleasant confrontations. With the Road Rager GPS Tracking System, simply type in the numberplate of whoever changed lanes without indicating, and then flipped you the bird. On one easy-to-read screen, you’ll find out the following in a flash: where they live; where their car is right now; how you can best exact your revenge; and the best getaway route out before they know what hit them. Installation kit includes crowbar, dark sunglasses, and a newspaper with little eye slits punched in it.
Secondbreath
The only online virtual-reality emissions trading game worth playing. Where else can you experience the carcinogenic thrill of peeling back the ozone layer and getting your own sneak preview of environmental oblivion? The programmers of Secondbreath have purchased the entire carbon points of several third world nations, and re-purposed them for use in this exciting game. Put your money down, buy yourself some points and start moving those discoloured cloud avatars around the globe. If you’re winning, acid rain will pour on your opponents. If you’re losing, smoke will come out of the USB ports on the side of your computer. From the same people who brought you Gridlockski, the first online game to incorporate real-time administration of actual public transport systems in Eastern Europe.
The Limited Edition Apple iBird
Apple’s long-rumoured entry into the lucrative hybrid pets market will be formally announced at the next MacWorld Expo in San Francisco in February. Beat the rush and order yours now. The Limited Edition Apple iBird has been bred and trained to maintain basic Mac services at those trying times when your home Internet connection is down. Upon detecting an outage, the Apple iBird will fly off, find a wireless signal, hover in midair and beam it back to your house until your Internet service provider fixes the problem. Battery can extend to three hours without the presence of strong winds or adjacent wi-fi-ldlife. Available in white or black. Apple would like to remind its customers that, contrary to some reports, no seagulls or crows have been harmed during beta testing of iBird 1.0.
Leigh Paatsch works two jobs to make ends meet. One is writing about movies for newspapers. The other is as Donnie Sutherland’s dresser/understudy on ‘Sounds Unlimited: The Musical’.
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