That Thing From That Movie
Recently I have observed that we have, in this country, a new dividing point: between people who think that Death at a Funeral is the funniest film ever made and people who don’t. I have carefully avoided seeing this massively successful movie (it reportedly made more money in Australia than in every other country combined), due largely to the trailer, which gains most of its laughs from mix-ups involving a corpse, the accidental ingestion of a hallucinogenic by someone participating in a public event requiring dignity and decorum, and an inevitable dwarf. In my day, films like this usually came with a title containing the words ‘Carry’ and ‘On’. I just don’t think it’s for me. (Although, keep in mind that I quite liked Observe and Report, a confession that has, on at least three occasions, earned me a look normally reserved for the most loathsome of sex offenders. Like I’d suggested screening Carnal Knowledge at Lilith Fair.)
But don’t get me wrong, I fully appreciate that there is a massive audience for this kind of film, and I agree that these people are poorly served by current comedies. People like my mum, who reckons there hasn’t been a decent one since Four Weddings and a Funeral. People who have been driven away by the movies of Judd Apatow and his ilk, filled with swearing and jism and men calling each other ‘bitch’. For these people, Death at a Funeral is a kind of godsend. I know this because they’ve been telling me non-stop for the last two-and-a-half years.
‘Tony, why haven’t you seen Death at a Funeral yet? I thought you of all people would appreciate a good laugh.’
‘Is it as funny as Observe and Report?’
‘[sickening pause] Darling! Can you fetch Mr Martin’s coat? He won’t be joining us for dinner.’
‘But I thou–’
‘Leave. Just leave.’
In the end, I lasted ten minutes, during which there had been precisely one joke: the wrong coffin is delivered to a funeral. I hadn’t planned to watch it at all. I was already drooling in anticipation of the new Special Edition of Double Indemnity, and had set aside the entire evening for watching all the extras, even Hollywood Remembers Fred MacMurray, or Hollywood Tries To Remember Fred MacMurray, as one companion rather ungenerously retitled it. But, that afternoon, someone had thrust a dog-eared DVD into my hand and insisted I watch it that very night, as ‘it’s the funniest thing you’ll ever see’. There were groans from the room (film snobs all) when I produced Death at a Funeral, but after accusing everyone of being politically correct wowsers, I myself declared that I would ‘give it ten minutes’ before setting sail for MacMurraytown. As the, rightly disgusted, owner of the DVD said later, ‘What, you didn’t even get to the dwarf?’ While the soothingly familiar opening titles of Double Indemnity blared from the screen, various theories were floated as to why Death hadn’t grabbed us. Was it the lumbering, joyless staging of the coffin mix-up, the wall-to-wall ‘comedy’ music, or was it simply because, as one friend put it, ‘it reminds me of Waking Ned Devine’?
‘What was that about?’ I replied, recalling nothing other than the bizarre decision by local distributors to retitle the film, on its cinema release only, Waking Ned, possibly to avoid evoking thoughts of that other Devine whose hateful blatherings regularly befoul the Sydney Morning Herald.
And, after a long silence, I realised that while I could distinctly recall seeing the film (at the Balwyn), I could remember only one thing about Waking Ned Devine: it had finally confirmed that the one-armed dishwasher from Robin’s Nest did, in fact, have two arms.
Instantly, the DVD was sent to ‘Menu’, as this, a new movie-related trivia game was put up on blocks; think of a film that you can only remember one thing about (eg, The Mission: Bloke on crucifix goes over waterfall). These were some of my contributions…
The Never Dead (aka Phantasm): Flying silver ball that drills into your head.
Absolute Beginners: David Bowie dancing on a giant typewriter.
Beyond Therapy: Tom Conti’s terrible yellow waistcoat.
Agnes of God: Old nun smoking.
Big Time: Tom Waits standing under a burning umbrella.
One Crazy Summer: Bobcat Goldthwait, dressed as Godzilla, destroys mini golf course (this may have been a dream).
The Brood: Oliver Reed attacked by slimy midgets (likewise).
Killer Fish: Lee Majors attacked by footage left over from Piranha.
The Black Hole: You could see the wires holding up the floating robot.
Deadly Friend: Robot knocks someone’s head off with a basketball!
La Grande Bouffe: Someone rather graphically shits their pants.
The Bank Job: Peter Bowles is still alive.
Swimming Pool: I think you can guess.
The Man With One Red Shoe: The man with one red shoe.
Guru Wayne: My terrible cameo.
***
The next day, I was cruising the IMDb when I found myself on Neil LaBute’s page. How, I wondered, was the caustic, icy, misanthropic mind behind In The Company of Men and Your Friends and Neighbors going to recover from his shameful and ludicrous remake of The Wicker Man? Turns out his next film is a remake of…Death at a Funeral! Talk about pouncing on a crowd-pleaser; he’s even using the same dwarf. Well, good luck to him. It will probably be a hit all over again. But I guarantee you it won’t be half as funny as the scene with Nicolas Cage and the bees in The Wicker Man.
Tony Martin is the Melbourne-based author of ‘A Nest of Occasionals’ and ‘Lolly Scramble’. Podcasts of his radio show ‘Get This’ are still available for free download at iTunes (type in: ‘Get This: Richard Marsland Lives’). He is currently directing new episodes of ABCTV's ‘The Librarians’.
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