Tramps Like Us
Recently, the world’s biggest studios unsuccessfully tried to sue iiNet for encouraging illegal piracy, and a settlement was reached in an action brought by Nintendo in the Federal Court against an Australian individual accused of ‘illegally copying and uploading to the Internet’ part of New Super Mario Bros. Wii. It’s only a matter of time before the big corporations hunt down the owners, like yours truly, of bootleg albums or illegally downloaded songs. The day will end in court. I know just how it will unfold and I have the court transcript to prove it:
JUDGE: Mr Quartermaine, you do realise that, as the defendant, you are entitled to legal representation?
DEFENCE: Yes, your Honour; however, I will be representing myself.
JUDGE: Very well, call your first witness.
DEFENCE: Do I have to say his name? Do I have to say his name? The master of disaster! The King of the World! The defence calls Clarence ‘The Big Man’ Clemons!
PROSECUTION: Your Honour, Mr Clemons is unable to take the stand, due to an unfortunate accident.
JUDGE: What happened?
PROSECUTION: Mr Clemons was blasting a particularly soulful sax solo when Mr Springsteen, Mr Clemons’ employer...
JUDGE: His boss?
PROSECUTION: Yes, the Boss, in fact, slid across the stage on his knees and inadvertently head-butted Mr Clemons in his...credentials, thus rendering Mr Clemons incapacitated.
JUDGE: What was the purpose of this slide?
PROSECUTION: A kiss.
JUDGE: A what?
PROSECUTION: A kiss, your Honour. Nothing passionate. A mere peck.
JUDGE: Where?
PROSECUTION: On the lips, your Honour. But I must stress that the intention was in no way romantic. Merely a sign of interracial brotherly love at the glorious crescendo of ‘Thunder Road’.
JUDGE: And this misplaced kiss resulted in Mr Clemons being head-butted in the nether regions?
PROSECUTION: Yes, your Honour.
JUDGE: Very well, Mr. Clemons is excused. Does the defence have any other witnesses to call?
DEFENCE: Yes, your Honour, the defence calls Bruce ‘The Boss’ Springsteen.
Mr Springsteen shuffles over awkwardly and takes the stand with great humility.
DEFENCE: Mr Springsteen, can I call you Fred?
BRUCE: Um...uh...no.
DEFENCE: Were you not born Bruce Frederick Joseph Springsteen?
BRUCE: Yes, sir.
DEFENCE: See, I know all about you, Fred.
PROSECUTION: Objection, your Honour, harassing the witness.
JUDGE: Is there a point to the defence’s question?
DEFENCE: Apologies, your Honour, just demonstrating my intimate knowledge of the witness. Fred, when was your first album released?
BRUCE: Nineteen seventy-three, Greetings...
DEFENCE: ...From Asbury Park N.J. I know, I bought it. Great record...
BRUCE: I appreciate that, sir.
DEFENCE: I bet you do. Never persisted with the tuba, did you?
BRUCE: Uh...
PROSECUTION: Your Honour...
DEFENCE: I digress. Nineteen eighty-four; do you remember that year, Fred?
BRUCE: Sure do, sir. That was a big year for me.
DEFENCE: Born In The USA was released and brought you unheard of fame and wealth...
BRUCE: I was never in it for the money. All a man’s got is his integrity...
DEFENCE: And about 300 million a year.
PROSECUTION: Objection, your Honour. Mr. Springsteen has only ever earned these phenomenal sums by doing it for the working man.
DEFENCE: Point taken, except Fred has never worked a day in his life, of which, I should point out, he should be extremely proud. It was also the first album released as a CD?
BRUCE: Yes, sir.
DEFENCE: And you consequently released all your back catalogue on CD?
BRUCE: Yes, sir.
DEFENCE: The defence would like to enter his personal copy of the half-speed master record of Darkness on the Edge Of Town as exhibit ‘A’. Way more expensive than a normal album, but something the ‘true’ fan had to have, Fred?
BRUCE: I do it all for my fans...
DEFENCE: Including making them pay twice for albums because they had to have the CDs as well?
BRUCE: It was the new technology...
DEFENCE: And the ‘real’ fans had to have it. Like the Tracks album? I’m speaking of the four-CD box set you released. Not the later ‘best of’ the box set...
BRUCE: That was 18 Tracks. Proud of that album too, sir.
DEFENCE: A different album with a different name? Eighteen from the sixty-six-song four-CD box set?
BRUCE: Not all of them, sir.
DEFENCE: No, not all of them. In fact, it had three tracks not in the box set; two of them, ‘The Fever’ and ‘The Promise’, legendary tracks never before released...
BRUCE: It was a bonus to the fans for buying the album.
DEFENCE: Especially for the fans who had bought the other fifteen tracks only six months previously. Would you like a drink, Fred? You seem a bit dry.
BRUCE: Um... I’m fine, sir.
DEFENCE: As a young man, Fred, you jumped the fence at Graceland in the hope of
seeing Elvis Presley, did you not?
BRUCE: I was young and foolish, sir. I wouldn’t recommend to young fans that they do anything illegal...
PROSECUTION: Your Honour, I fail to see the point...
DEFENCE: The point, your Honour, is that Mr Springsteen’s record label and other giant multinationals are hunting down penniless individuals to greedily squeeze a few more dollars out of them.
PROSECUTION: Objection!
DEFENCE: I suggest to you, Mr Springsteen, that fans have jumped Graceland’s fence and Elvis set the dogs on them!
PROSECUTION: Your Honour, I suggest we take a short break, so that Mr Springsteen may gather himself and stop openly weeping.
DEFENCE: The defence has no problem with that, your Honour, so long as Mr Springsteen signs this album first... and makes it to ‘My dear friend, Matt’.
Or something like that.
Matt Quartermaine is a Melbourne-based writer and comedian. With Matt Parkinson, Tim Smith and Andrew Goodone, he produces ‘The Chat’, a weekly podcast in which four grown men in comfortable chairs spill their guts. Click here to download it for free at iTunes.
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