Testing Times
The Ashes Test series is tied at one-all going into the decider at The Oval where England must win to get The Ashes. Controversy plagued the Third Test, when Justin Langer’s leaked dossier on the strengths and weaknesses of the England team found its way into the press. Another leaked document, which highlights the strengths and weaknesses of the SBS commentary team, has found its way onto my desk:
Stuart MacGill, former Australian test spin bowler, barely holding down his spot as the anchor. Prone to a show of nerves when filling in in a position to which he is not accustomed, MacGill tosses up more ‘Ums’ and ‘Aahs’ than Molly Meldrum. Has finally settled into his role, but will still deliver the odd clanger and has a tendency to engage his mouth before his brain. Has a youthful enthusiasm, and a chumminess that leads to a locker-room mentality in discussions and the liberal use of nicknames, which will confuse the viewer and lower the standard of play. Tosses up a lollipop each over, which should be dispatched to the boundary if his teammates had the skill. Employs the double negative with mind-numbing effectiveness and, at one point, declared, ‘Absolutely no question of me not being a Hughesy supporter.’
Damien Martyn – or ‘Marto’, as he is referred to – has a rabbit-in-the-headlights stare that brings to mind the phrase ‘eyes wide shut’. Has a permanent cheesy grin and looks out of his depth. The human jockstrap gives plenty of unnecessary support and plays off the back foot, so he won’t commit to his shots. Suffers from the ‘just finished playing Test cricket’ syndrome and so won’t slag off his old teammates. Overawed even at his home ground, Martyn has the rock-solid defence of the batsmen, but can easily be stumped and fails as an all-rounder.
Greg ‘Yeah, Yeah’ Matthews is the veteran of the team at a ‘Roolly important time in Test cricket’. With a wild and unpredictable delivery, Matthews will employ hippy phrases to ingratiate himself with the viewer, but may find it has the opposite effect. Constantly refers to the ‘kids’, says ‘man’, and declared early with ‘If you’re having a go, dig it.’ Has a good depth of knowledge, but is so full of himself he rarely gives himself the opportunity to listen. Plays off the front and goes the tonk often, without ever reaching the boundaries of common sense.
Summing up, the new Australian team has a fresh look and style, but lacks depth. The body language is weak and rain delays have exposed weaknesses in their ability to fill. A lack of insight has not stopped their willingness to expose themselves, but, in the words of the ever cheerful Matthews, ‘ignorance is bliss’. There will be no changes to the team for the upcoming seven one-dayers, so they should grow in confidence, though this may not translate as runs on the board. The Oval will be spinning for the final test and so will the commentary team.
This piece originally appeared in ‘The Big Issue’.
Matt Quartermaine is a Melbourne-based writer and comedian. He can be seen taking part in ‘The Chat’ (See four grown men in comfortable chairs spill their guts!) every Friday night from 8:30 at the Maori Chief Hotel, corner of Moray and York streets, South Melbourne. Entry is free. Click here to read Matt's article about ‘The Chat’ podcast (available at iTunes) in ‘The Age’.
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